I’m pretty sure LeBron hates me

LeBron James is not playing tonight. LeBron James is avoiding me.

When LeBron James announced that he was returning to Cleveland, I was quite possibly the happiest NBA fan outside of, well, Cleveland. My feelings towards LeBron are volatile, to say the least, but at this point, it was all love. I know it sounds ridiculous, and that’s because it is. For clarity’s sake, I explain here.

But yes, I have been one happy NBA fan this year — LeBron is back in Cleveland after his 4-year “college experience” in Miami, and the Warriors are makin’ everyone their bitch. Life is good.

Because of this, I was intent on seeing the Cavs when they made their one and only trip to the Bay Area. I had never seen LeBron play live, and I was excited by the opportunity to see both Uncle Drew and K. Love come to town, as well.*

*Less excited to see Love, and more excited to see Klay continue to prove why I was a Grade A dumbass for wanting to trade him so easily. See, I’m wrong sometimes. 

When we looked for tickets, the prices were out of control. Apparently, everyone else wanted to see the new big three, too. I mean, they have the greatest player in the world on their team. The greatest. So it made sense. But because I didn’t want to have to eat ramen noodles (and maybe ignore my cable bill) for the next two months straight by paying $400+ per ticket, we decided to just forgo this game.

And then, a Christmas miracle happened —  I received the tickets for the holidays. Lower level seats, at that. I was freakin ecstatic. I was finally getting the chance to see LeBron play in-person. LeBron freakin James. I haven’t been this excited to see a single player since Ricky Rubio.* This was the greatest present ever.

*Ricky Rubio is the greatest Spaniard ever. Don’t you forget.

I felt — I felt like this was it. I haven’t exactly been of fan of his for the past few years, but we were finally getting our chance for a resolution. A second chance to make things right. I felt like this was a sign. Things like this don’t just happen, man. This was supposed to happen. And I couldn’t wait to take advantage of it.

Not only was I excited to see LeBron individually, but I was also giddy at the thought of seeing my Warriors, the league’s best team, beat the Cavs,* the pre-season championship favorites. It’s like, the happiest thoughts I can ever have packaged prettily in one game. How can it get better than that?

*Not a typo. The Warriors will beat the Cavs.

But then, the unthinkable happened. Last week, a notification appeared on my phone that ever so casually mentioned — LeBron James is out for the next two weeks.

What the fuck?!

Did that really just happen? Did I just gush haplessly about some scrub named LeBron James for the past couple weeks only to have him pussy out on the night I was supposed to see him?


I feel like I just got stood up on a date by some really, really hot dude. I feel like I had the divorce papers slammed right back in my face after it looked like we we’re maybe starting to work things out.

LeBron James will not play tonight. I remember asking my dad if he’d ever seen Michael Jordan in the 90s, and he said no. He had season tickets for the Warriors but split it with a few other people. By the unfortunate luck of the draw, he never drew the Chicago Bulls game.

LeBron is that great player of our generation. I never wanted to say I never got the chance to see one of the greatest players ever play, like my dad, and I finally was getting my chance. Or so I thought.

To top it off, apparently Kyrie might not even play tonight either.* I mean, seriously. How bout you punch me in the balls some more. Talk about kickin a girl while she’s down.

*He’s in tonight. Phew. I love you, Uncle Drew.

On Monday night, I went to the Thunder game. I texted my friend, “At least Durant is playing, unlike bitchass LeBron.” I’ve seen KD play before so this wasn’t such a moment for me, but still, if we’re in debates trying to compare the two, Durant wins this one by a mile.

Just because he shows up.

I thought you changed, Bron. I thought things we were finally gonna make this partnership work. I thought we had an understanding. Looks like things have changed.

I feel like this guy probably feels tonight. Betrayed.

Whatever. I didn’t wanna go to this game to see you anyways, LeBron. Have fun watching the future NBA champions beat you by 50 from the bench tonight.

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