The Life of a Troll

Never argue with a troll. They’ll bring you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

I think the original version of that quote substitutes troll with idiot. But they’re basically the same thing. Except trolls are kinda fun. And plus they look like this. Idiots are insufferable.

I can’t say why, and I can’t say how, and I can’t definitively pinpoint when I became the biggest Niner hater in San Francisco, but I can say that I enjoy being a Niner troll immensely. It’s almost as if I feel my purpose on earth is to troll Niner fans. Like I must fulfill my obligation to Niner haters and trolls around the world. I don’t know why I hate the Niners so much, but I do.

It’s not hard, you see, to be an annoying little twat. It involves a crapload of irrational hatred and shit talk grounded in very deep personal issues and probably some stupid childhood trauma that continues to haunt me to this day* (Is it this guy?)

*On a tangential note but related to childhood trauma, The Little Nemo scared me as a child. Not to be confused with Finding Nemo, which is one of my most favorite movies ever, I’m talking about The Little Nemo. And that stupid nightmare scene. Terrifying. And still terrifying to this day. Fuck that movie. No seriously. How are children allowed to watch this??? It can go to hell.

I often get asked, “Jenna, how can you live in San Francisco and hate the Niners?”

“Wine. Lots of red wine.” (Hey, if I’m not going to like their football team, I can at least still act like a true San Franciscan.)

Niner fans would argue it’s the other kind of wine, as in “whine,” as in “stop complaining and being so bitter because your team sucks so bad.”

And my response to that is, “Kiss my ass.”

What Niner fans don’t understand about me, a troll, is that I have no disillusions about my own team. If you don’t know (and how could you not), I’m pretty outspoken and not ashamed to admit that I’m a Raider fan. (Okay, maybe I’m a tad ashamed…okay maybe a lot ashamed, but hey, at least I can admit it). And because I’m a so-called “hater” and self-proclaimed “troll”, the only comeback I hear when I relentlessly argue with Team “Who’s Got It Better Than Us?”* is, “Well – what’s your team doing now?

“NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. My team is doing nothing, and they’re so bad you can’t stop talking about how bad they are. It doesn’t change the fact that your team is still a sack of cow dung, and I’d rather lick Donkey Kong’s feet than claim I’m red and gold-blooded.“

*Last year, Jimmy’s brother did, so you guys can STFU with that shit.

A troll does not care. A troll trolls because that’s what trolls do. They have no rational thought, and their arguments are paper thin. They are allergic to statistical facts and refuse to acknowledge obvious trends. They live in a fantasy world where left is right and right is wrong and up is down and down is Africa. There is no reasoning with a troll so stop trying.

How, then, you ask, do I live out my trolltastic nature so easily? Let me tell you. When watching a game with Niner fans, I just keep on talking about how Colin Kaepernick is not living up to last year’s expectations, and constantly remind them of it. Talk about how Kaep’s accuracy is sub-par. Talk about how his progression read goes “Vernon Davis, nope. Then run.”Ask them how nervous they get when defenses sit back and dare him to pass….

Well, actually no. That’s not how it goes. Because those are actually legitimate reasons for Niner fans to be scared. If you’re a self-proclaimed troll like me, you don’t argue with any sort of rational thought.

Instead, just talk about how giddily excited you are that the Niners have to play the Seahawks IN Seattle and make inane bets that Marshawn Lynch is going to score 3 TDs and go for 200+ yards and post status updates on Facebook admitting your pseudo-loyalty to everyone not named the Niners even if it means cheering for your arch nemesis and losing all sorts of self-respect, and possibly your soul, in the process.*

*I did all of this in a span of 1 hour.

And for a bonus troll tactic — threaten to show up to a watching party wearing a Seahawks jersey that you spent a dumb amount of money on just because you want to be THAT asshole.*

*I also did this, but did NOT buy the jersey. I may be a twat, but I’m not stupid. 

I’m a sucker, you see. Everyone knows about my irrational hatred for the Niners, and I get baited into ridiculous arguments all the time. I can’t help it. But I’ve pretty much exhausted every logical comeback I have. And I realize the stats don’t back up any of my “Niners suck” retorts one bit.

But that’s okay. Niners still blow. Go Seahawks!

P.S. I love you, San Francisco!

P.P.S. Last year, I predicted it would be a Niner/Patriots Superbowl and horrified myself as to how close it came. This is what I call hell. Let’s hope we don’t go there this season.

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