Karma’s a bitch and its name is Bubblicious Bubble Gum: Musing About the New England Patriots

Best day of my life.

And yet another failed attempt from yours truly on trying to keep up a somewhat weekly cadence for this blog.

For what it’s worth (probably not much), I have been extremely busy over the past few weeks. I put on my big girl pants and finally got my own place in the glorious city of San Francisco! Yup, big girl now. Moving is as tedious as ever*, and I probably won’t be able to afford my future children’s college tuition anytime soon, but hey…at least I have a sweet rooftop view of the city! <cue the #humblebrag tag here>. And I’ve also been traveling a lot…oh poor me and my horrible life  <cue the #firstworldproblems tag here now>.

*Btw, it really is tedious and sucks. Does anyone have a nightstand? And a dining table? And a bookshelf? And a wine rack + wine and/or any other form of alcoholic beverages?  These are vital to my life. Absolutely vital. 

But only one thing could bring me back to what was once my creative outlet, my source of all my intimate thoughts, my sanctuary. One thing and one thing only: the beginning of the downfall of the evil empire known as the New England Patriots. Finally balance is starting to restore in the universe!

I’ve made it no secret that the New England Patriots are a mortal enemy of mine*. Not just Tom Brady — the Patriots as a team (although I’ve also made it no secret that I would not be sad if Tom Brady were abducted by aliens from the Delta Quadrant and never returned). If I were Thor, they’d be Loki. If I were Lauren, they’d be Heidi. If I were Kanye West, they’d be everyone else.

*This list also includes the 49ers, Lakers, pigeons, geese, Renee Zellweger, Paula Deen, people who say “#turntup” and decaf coffee. 

The Aaron Hernandez saga is fascinating. Mind you, I couldn’t give two shits about the Patriots, but my co-worker is a huge NY Giants fan and kindly keeps me updated on the latest news regarding dear Aaron. The smoking gun, the actual gun (moron), walking away in handcuffs…it’s all like watching the bad guy in the movie finally getting what he deserves for being the giant dipshit he’s been the entire time.

Now, I have to be fair here (because that’s what I do on this blog, write fair and completely objective posts), Aaron Hernandez was one of two Patriots who I didn’t mind picking up in my fantasy football leagues (Wes Welker being the other). So it’s not like he was completely useless. And plus, if Al Davis (RIP) was still with us, I’m pretty sure he’d be the next Raider, so I’d have no choice but to cheer for him. But now that both of them are gone, I have no reason to select them for any of the 3 teams I have whatsoever*.

*Also, I was in last place in nearly every single one of the 3 leagues I joined this year. Why? Because the Patriots were purposefully SABOTAGING MY TEAMS! Dicks.

It’s saddening to think that someone as talented as Rob Gronkowski might never be the same again. He has…errhm…had so much promise, but injuries are preventing him from fully exploring his potential. From his multiple forearm surgeries to his newly disclosed back surgery, this is truly devastating to football fans everywhere, as we all wanted to see the Gronk flourish on everyone’s favorite football team. He’s like — the new Bo Jackson….

And that’s where I stop. I couldn’t even type out those words without laughing hideously, and secretly hoping another article pops up on my phone that says Gronk is out for the year.

But hold on, let’s get one thing straight here: I would never WISH injury (season-ending or career-ending upon anyone) because that’s horrible karma, and I already have some pretty awful karma that I need to get rid of, and I need to build up my good karmic cookies once again.

BUT — for anything terrible that affects the Patriots as a team, as an organization, and their fans and Bill Belichick, and the whole-like, you can count on me to join that shit-talking wagon. I will take it too far and not be ashamed*.

*In all seriousness, Gronk is pretty damn good, and if I were a Patriots fan, I’d be pretty bummed. But I’m not a Patriots fan so I am delightful. Suck it, Pats fans. Suck it.

And finally, the final karmic retribution sent directly to those bastards in Foxborough for being the low-life, cheatin’, spying losers they are : this guy. Hey, maybe he can be your tight-end?

The Patriots may have Jesus on their side, but God loves me. And the Patriots’ slow descent into the oblivion is proof.

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