I love your glorious city. I love it so much I went to school there for 5 years.
I’ve lived there. I’ve worked there for most of my adult life. In fact, I get sad when I don’t get a job there because I love it so much.
I love eating delectable food from all the restaurants around the city, from the popular ones to the holes-in-the-wall, nothing beats San Francisco food. I mean, you guys are kinda known for it.
I love bar-hopping and getting wasted in the Mission, dancing at whatever grimy new nightclub opens up in SOMA, and meeting Tim Lincecum in the Marina. Seriously, cool.
Contrary to popular opinions, I love your weather. I’m from California, but I’m a cold weather baby. I love dressing in layers with boots and scarves and gloves. Yeah, you can get cold at times, but it’s not that bad. At least you’re not Winnipeg (h/t BattleOfCali for the info!). And yeah, maybe Ocean and Baker Beach see sun like, maybe one day a year (okay, two days), but when the fog clears up and the sun gleams over the cityscape, nothing is more beautiful than seeing the blue Pacific Ocean move serenely into the bay underneath the Golden Gate Bridge. And you don’t get scorching hot, which I love even more.
I love your hippie way of life. Thanks for turning me into the ultimate San Francisco-tree huggin’ stereotype. I’m currently sitting at this indie coffee shop, with my Trader Joe’s reusable shopping bag, drinking water out of a BPA-free Klean Kanteen bottle. Life-changing.
I love you so much that I even broke my number one rule when it comes to sports: DON’T BE A BANDWAGON FAN. When the Giants made it to the World Series in 2010, I couldn’t help it. I’m an Oakland A’s fan, at heart, but I couldn’t resist the urge to cheer for the Black and Orange. Like, I became a serious fan, albeit for 2 weeks, but I really was a fan. When they clinched the title, I went to the city that night to wander the streets gleefully with fellow Giants fans. The championship parade was right down the street from where I worked, and I basically missed work for the day just to go (Shhhh! Don’t tell my boss.) I have video of all of this for proof! I even got myself some Giants World Series Memorabilia. I was a Giants fan. Only because I love you, San Francisco. I truly do. Please don’t ever forget that…
But I’ll be damned if I utter a single word that even hints to me cheering for your football team today. In fact, you have my permission to pelt me with stones, if I do.
Now typically, with normal, sane people, this type of hatred is reserved for someone who kills your best friend or Adolf Hitler or the waitress that gave you medium-rare when you asked for medium. Idiot. The Niners have done absolutely nothing to me personally for me to harbor so much hate for them, but like the lyric in Oakland’s beloved Tupac Shakur song “Changes”, “that’s just the way it is.” You know, like, how I was born with 2 eyes, a nose, mouth and hair? Well, I think I was born a Niner hater. It’s just the way it is.
I don’t think I can even watch the game with friends who are Niner fans because I get mean when it comes to watching the Niners. I may lose friends over it.
Stupid Niners, see what you do!? Complicate friendships! YOU SUCK!
Call it me being a hater. Fine. Or if you want to really get analytical, you can call it some sort of preposterous inferiority complex being a die-hard fan of the team just over the bridge who missed the playoffs due to its pathetic defense and absence of its oft-injured stars. Or…I’m just an irrational and envious nutcase. All explanations are completely feasible, if not, 100% true.
So let’s be honest here, princess — the U.S. government has a better chance at solving the debt crisis than you have of seeing me take an objective view about the Niners, so don’t get your panties in a bunch when I make outlandish claims about them being the crappiest 13-3 teams I’ve ever seen. And I’m not gonna spew any stats regarding the game because the Niners apparently have good stats (at least on defense), so they won’t help me.
Though, I can talk stats if you want (like how they have one of the worst red zone offenses in the league, and rank near the bottom of the league in total offense), but for the purpose of keeping the tone of this post absolutely ridiculous and absurd, I’m just going to completely ignore stats (facts) and just go with a pure gut-instinct.
Drew Brees is going to destroy them. Have fun, Niner fans. I know I will.
I STILL LOVE YOU, SAN FRANCISCO!!! YOU FUCKIN BEAUTIFUL CITY! DON’T EVER CHANGE!
And with that, I’m out! Peace.
Love Your Favorite Fan from Across the Bay,