All I Want For Christmas Is…

Dear Santa: I've been good this year. All I ask is for the Raiders to hold a f*ckin 4th quarter lead. Thanks.

When I celebrate the holidays with my friends, I’ve never been a big fan of doing Secret Santa/Gift Exchanges. Not because I don’t like to shop or because I don’t like giving gifts because I do, trust me.

The reason why I’m so against gift exchanges is that it’s hard to come up with a gift you actually want, especially considering the ages of my circle of friends. We’re at this age now where we can either buy it ourselves, or the thing that we truly want is way too out of the price range for our friends and it would be rude to put that on your list of items you want. What it boils down to is, personally, I think I’m just a little too “old” to want or ask for gifts. I much prefer the random amusement of a White Elephant gift. You get to play a game, drink a little bit (or a lot) and end up with hopefully a cool thingamabob*. And if not, well, it’s not the end of the world.

*One of the white elephant gifts I bought this year was a Beavis (of Beavis and Butthead) talking, bobble-head. It was a debate between him or Cornholio, and I decided on Beavis. This is how I justified the purchase: “It’s not a gift I would buy for myself, but if I got that gift in a white elephant game, I would love it.”  Fortunately, the guy who got it loved it. In fact, he STOLE it from the original person who opened it. That, my friends, is what I would call a successful white elephant gift.

So what does all of this have to do with sports, since this is a sports blog? Well, yes, while I may find myself a bit past the age of creating Christmas lists for Santa, that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy making them. And especially with this roller coaster sports year all my teams have been having, I don’t think it will trouble Santa to give me some of the things I’m politely asking for. I’m pretty sure I’ve been mostly nice…maybe sometimes naughty, really naughty, but overall, I’ve been on the nice list. I think — I hope. But that doesn’t matter. I’m writing this list anyways. And all that talk about not knowing what I want? Puhleaze! It’s easy peazy when it comes to sports.

All I want for Christmas is…

  1. For the Raiders to make the playoffs. I don’t care if it’s as the Division Leader or Wild Card. Just make the playoffs, please.
  2. On that note, I want Chuck Bresnehan fired. He sucked the first time he was here, and he still sucks. Maybe Hue Jackson can pull an Al Davis to Mike White dick move and can him before Christmas. That would make me so happy.
  3. Can he take Stanford Routt and Jerome Boyd with him too? And Chaz Schillens and Khalif Barnes, as well.
  4. For the Sharks to pick up at least 5 points before the end of this home stand.
  5. For the Sharks’ Power Play to operate at a 50% success rate through the next four. High expectations? Oh freakin well. They have two elite power play units. It should not be the atrocious eyesore it is.
  6. For the Sharks’ Penalty Kill to operate at an 80% success rate through the next four. I know that’s not great, but…baby steps.
  7. For Marty Havlat to be okay. As long as it’s not a season-ending injury, I’m good. Hell, he can even be out til the playoffs, just as long as he’s there FOR the playoffs, I don’t care. Otherwise, I’m going to cut a bitch and turn into the aforementioned Chicken Littles I detest. And SERIOUSLY WTF?! That injury was so bizarre. I guess that kind of freak stuff only happens to players like Havlat…or maybe just Havlat.
  8. For Joe Thornton to break Alex Burrows’ other fingers when they play on the 28th. Or he can slash his face. Either works.
  9. For ESPN to stop blowing Tim Tebow.
  10. World Peace.

There. The list isn’t too daunting. Of all of them, I think I want number 1 the most, with number 2 at a very close second. I also want number 7 pretty bad. Ah hell, who am I kidding…I want number 9 the most. Screw you, Tim Tebow, for making ESPN more annoying than it already is. I don’t think I’ve watched that channel for the past 4 weeks because of you.

Of all of these, I think the most probable one is number 8, and that’s perfectly fine by me.

In any event, Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones! I hope you get everything (or almost everything) you want — unless you’re a Niner fan. You guys don’t deserve gifts because you’re annoying. Lumps of coal for you. And, plus, I don’t like you. That’s already a good enough reason why not.


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